Magic & Miracles Please.

I knew it this was coming. The older Landon gets the more the condition of his arm, the nightly exercises and surgery every year start to build, the more I feel the tension grow.

For the most part we lead normal lives. We are not victims here. We are grateful to have this arm....We believe in MAGIC & MIRACLES.

But last week, in the darkness of bedtime, the honest feelings came to the surface, the snuggling was not enough, there were questions and Landon wanted answers.

In general I hate questions what start with why.  I don't think "why me?" benefits anyone. Landon however, being 10, has a right to ask. Sometimes I feel so angry he has to deal with all of this. He just wants to be happy and keep it moving like his Mama. So when the tears came I have to admit, they came for me too. It was heartbreaking.

I let him have his feelings and tried to bring the gratitude forward. He wanted the full story, the real story of his birth, so I told him. He listened intently and had more questions. He's heard it before but I went a little DEEPER.

I tried not to DROWN as I did. I kept the faith.

When the questions were done we snuggled. There was nothing else to say.

I have been doing a lot to keep any negativity, and harm from this guy. I have never made him learn to tie his shoes, I cut up his food, I make things easier. I do it for him. Don't get me wrong, he plays piano, writes with his left hand when we feel he was born a righty, and a lot of other things that are hard for him. However I'm starting to realize it's time. Time to push him to be more independent even though it will be painful. Time to be a little more real. We're 10 after all.

Still....Landon believes in Santa, Disneyland, and sleeps with a blankie. He's still my baby. We just need to shift a little. Let the pain in sometimes so it doesn't overwhelm us. So that's what we're gonna do.

And to all the Moms out there, who have a kid with ongoing issues. Whether they're mental, physical, emotional or all of the above... I'm thinking of you. I'm thinking of the daily decisions you make, the doubt you feel, the helplessness. I'm thinking of you're nights with your kids... And I'm sending you love. All my love... And a little MAGIC & MIRACLES.

It Didn't Turn Out Like She Wanted

My Grandmother passed away a few weeks ago. Although she lived a long life, it still hit me hard. She was my last living grandparent, the end of an era for me. I was so thankful she had spent time with my kids, but selfishly, I felt old. I was no longer was somebody's grandbaby.

The funeral, in my gorgeous hometown of Raleigh, North Carolina, was a nice tribute to her. She was a war bride, had many friends and was a devout christian. I was barely able to stop crying. I was just so SAD she was gone.

Then my Father said something that, at the time, made it even worse.

 "Well, it didn't turn out like she wanted." 

I was FLOORED. It was devastating to me. She had spent her life as a devoted friend, wife, mom and christian and still....I wasn't even sure what my Father meant by it. I didn't ask. It just struck me. What were her dreams? Goals? What had she hoped for?

When I die would people say the same about me?

Part of "Losing My Fabulous" was this feeling of being LOST. Not knowing what direction to go in next. Feeling stuck. Feeling unsatisfied. Feeling unmotivated and depressed. Nothing seemed to be working. Was this my destiny?

On my way home to LA I became MORE sad, until two women magically came into my life on my travels home.

One gave me a great idea.  She took something I had been thinking about and made me think of it in a BIGGER WAY.

And the other, made me feel loved enough to follow through with it. She let me know that the universe was on my side.

These divine encounters, and a meeting with some of my key board members has lead me to launch: WARRIOR MOM.

It encompasses the way I have been feeling, things I have written about and all my passions. I hope you'll follow along and see where this takes me. Where it takes US!
Thank you for always supporting me and encouraging me and sharing your stories! I hope I am inspiring you, making you think, and prompting you to action.

Stay tuned for more on THE WARRIOR MOMS by following on Instagram and Twitter. This is going to be BIG.

Leaving Perfection Behind and Embracing Your Broken-ness

I used to covet perfection. The perfect outfit, party, relationship all the surface things. It wasn't that I didn't have depth, it was just that I liked things to be just...PERFECT.

As I got older I started realizing this was getting tougher and tougher to accomplish. After a perfect wedding to a perfect husband I went through some very imperfect infertility. It made me question everything in my life. I thought getting pregnant would be a snap. Not so much.

After in vitro and finally getting pregnant I got back to my usually perfect ways with the perfect baby shower. Little did I know what was around the corner. My perfectionism was about to get it's REAL rude awakening. I thought I had it all back together but....

Having Landon changed all of that. When you have a child who is born with an issue of any sort, especially an ongoing one, or one that is life changing, it takes the perfectionism you're suffering from and just throws it up against the wall and smashes it.

Even when Landon came home with a less than perfect right arm I still longed for perfection. I tried to get back on the perfection horse. It was no use.

Over the last few really tough years in finances, marriage, kids and life....I have come to appreciate: BROKEN-NESS.

In people, animals, things...all of it.

There was a Lilly Pulitzer store going out of business, the woman was so upset, beautiful store and she couldn't keep it going...she was selling EVERYTHING. She was humiliated but called me to come in and buy. I looked at a fog necklace and she said oh you don't want that, it only has one foot. It's broken.

Guess what:

I bought it.

Turns out the broken-ness is the good stuff.

Some of my best friends have been broken in many ways, and still are, and it's what makes me LOVE them, relate to them and able to have the best conversations. They don't wear their broken-ness like victims, they choose to share it when they feel it's important. Life is not our perfect Facebook posts, and instagram pictures. Life is really TOUGH. It breaks us. That broken-ness pulls us together and let's us connect. Don't hide that broken-ness. That is what makes you who you are.

Embracing my broken-ness is not easy. It's hard to admit when things are going BAD. GETTING WORSE and seem UNFIXABLE. But if that's where you are. That's where YOU ARE. It's not forever. It will change and evolve. 

Looking down at my frog necklace reminds me were all BROKEN in one way or another. Does this mean I'm going to stop monogramming things? Dressing up? Setting a pretty table? HELL NO. It means that when someone admits their BROKEN-NESS to me I will share my own. And when I feel broken and scared I will share this with my closest friends and get comfort.

WE ARE ALL BROKEN. Time to FACE it. ADMIT it and EMBRACE it.

Now THAT'S what makes a WARRIOR WOMAN!

DON'T SUCK IT UP- the passing of a Mom Blogger

When I learned of Leslies passing I was in SHOCK.

I have been reading her blog, A Blonde Ambition, on and off for a while. I knew she was having heart issues but, she DIED?

There is an instagram post from a week ago.

There are two young babies.

There is a husband.

AND SHE'S JUST GONE.

This is hitting me on so many levels.

First- I have developed heart issues. I am on heart meds and need to take better care of myself. BECAUSE I DON'T.

Second, Leslie was so grateful. In the hospital, away from her girls for weeks and months, and she was a grateful happy person. The kind of person who should be around a long time to be an example for others. She was even grateful for her health.

Leslie understood being someones cheerleader was really important:

"One of the things this little medical fiasco has also shown me is the importance of encouraging others who may be going through tough things. The emails, words of encouragement and prayer have been so appreciated, and it has been a great reminder that I need to do more of that for others. I'd love to be able to incorporate the blog into that somehow and I'm excited to explore that idea more. We could all use our own personal cheerleaders sometimes, don't you think?"

Leslie offers up a warning here in THIS POST. That if you are feeling TIRED. REALLY TIRED. And you don't really have a reason to be SO TIRED, it could be a heart problem. She was a new mom, exhausted like the rest of us. She knew she was REALLY TIRED and instead told herself to keep pushing. SUCK IT UP she told herself.

READ:

"If you are more tired than normal, if something just doesn't feel right, if you feel like you can't get enough sleep even though you technically are - SAY SOMETHING. DO SOMETHING. WAVE THE WHITE FLAG. I didn't. I just thought I was tired from chasing a toddler and caring for an 8-week-old. I thought I just needed to suck it up, drink some caffeine and stop complaining.
In reality, I was having major heart trouble."

She just had a baby months ago. They will never again get to have their Mother. This kills me. 



Donate to the girls college and wedding fund here: GO FUND ME

And read Leslies Blog and learn from her. Learn about her. Pass on what she's telling us.

And hug your babies. 

And be grateful.

And BE GOOD TO YOURSELF.  

Get your heart checked regularly. If you're TIRED and you know something is wrong...... DON'T SUCK IT UP.

Finding My Fabulous- It's The Little Quiet Things That Make You Happy

With my non fabulous self in tow, I headed to the beach. I needed a break.
I needed:

I started to feel BETTER. Still there was something NOT QUITE RIGHT. I know there's more digging to do. More excavating....

With all the bad stuff that seemed to eat me alive, I started noticing that it was the little things that were making me feel happy. Things like:

My old dog feeling like her old self playing frisbee....

The kids doing a puzzle quietly together.....

And a sunset.....

I'm slowly building on the little things, learning to de stress, and CALM DOWN. Deep breaths.....#SummerSlowDown2015 is my hashtag. See all my slow down moments on Instagram here ONE FABULOUS MOM.

Thanks for your encouragement. It helps when I know what worked for you!

Lost My Fabulous- Trying to get it back!

I've realized the first step to "Finding Your Fabulous" is to get the hell away from everyone. You need to BE ALONE.

You don't want to stay there forever but you can't avoid it either. 

I'm a social butterfly so this really freaks people out. But since I have no filter and no politeness left I need to ONLY be around people who support me and make me feel good.

When you're down there is a tendency to pick up the phone, dial a friend and talk it out. But when you have truly LOST YOUR FABULOUS this is only a band aid. When you have truly lost your fabulous you need to sort some things out ALONE.

You just need a minute to process things. Think about what has gotten you in this situation. You need to ask yourself how the hell did this all happen???

The answers aren't pretty sometimes. Right beneath the surface is that feeling of:

"Did I bring this on myself?"

In some cases YES. 

You avoided something again and AGAIN and it's come back upon you TEN FOLD. 

I always think of that Oprah show where she talked about signs, symbols of when God is whispering to you. A funny feeling, a time you say huh....but then you let it go and drink your wine. But then a bigger sign comes, and a bigger one and a bigger one. Soon that little feeling, that huh? becomes a WTF?!

It feels like it's out of the blue but guess what? IT'S NOT. 

So in losing my fabulous I am realizing that I put off some things, avoided some things and made some bad choices.

I'm kinda wanting to beat myself up about it too. Which I hate. I can't let it go. I'm PISSED. I know I'll get through it...and I appreciate your words of encouragement and sharing about you losing your Fabulous because THAT HELPS.

Still figuring it all out. In the mean time this is my new mantra:

Knew you'd like that one....

I Lost My Fabulous.

I don't know how it happened.

That's not true. I do. I guess I don't know the exact moment. Sometime, in the middle of working, tending to family, volunteering, socializing, dealing with friendship dynamics, family dynamics, dealing with minor crises, dealing with major crises, dealing with people with bad attitudes, hearing unkind words, financial issues and just bad juju.....

I lost my fabulous.

I didn't think I had really lost it all together. Even amidst emotionally devastating happenings I was able to still bounce back a little. Go out to dinner. Put on the Lilly Pulitzer....

But then my heart was broken. My dreams were dashed. Things got worse. And soon, looking around and then looking in the mirror. I realized: I lost my fabulous.

You may think this is funny coming from One Fabulous Mom. And truthfully I started this blog because I was feeling less than Fabulous and wanted to get it back.

But things have piled up too big to ignore. And my heart is broken. So friends, no more fabulous. And I have to face it. After all the definition of crisis is: a difficult or dangerous situation that needs serious attention. And so, this does.

I'm hoping I can get it back. Right now I have no clue how. But since I know some if you are in the same boat...I'll keep you posted. I'll take you on my journey. And if you have lost your fabulous you are not alone. And if you are getting it back I applaud you. And if you never lost it, trust me one day you will.

So let's do this together. Join me on my journey  Find My Fabulous. Stay tuned...

What are you an EXPERT in? Channeling Lisa Nichols! SUPER SOUL SUNDAY

Lisa Nichols, if you have not heard her speak or read one of her books, is kind of a whirling dervish of realness and humor and love. She is just someone you could listen to forever and her story is COMPELLING.







She went from public assistance to MILLIONAIRE. I watched this video and I could NOT TURN IT OFF.

I had never heard of her but when I stumbled upon her I loved her. She is inspiring! Her site is HERE.http://www.motivatingthemasses.com/home/

One of the things she talked about that really struck me was when she asked:

What are you an EXPERT in? Everybody's an expert in something. Good or bad. She claimed that she was an expert in GETTING BACK UP. She had been knocked down so many times she could not count. She was not looking at that with negativity but instead saying she was an expert in PULLING HERSELF together and MOVING ON.

WOW.

I feel it. I feel like I'm an EXPERT IN GETTING BACK UP too. I don't want to be. I wish I wasn't sometimes. BUT I AM.

I got back up when my parents divorced
I got back up when I couldn't have a baby
I got back up when artificial insemination didn't work
I got back up when my baby didn't come home from the hospital for 52 days
I got back up when my baby had a stroke
I got back up when they told me he might lose his arm.
I got back up when I got the 100th medical bill
I got back up when they tried to throw me out of preschool for blogging
I got back up when we almost lost our house
I got back up when my daughter was in the hospital for weeks with an illness we couldn't name
I got back up when my company went under
I GOT BACK UP!

And it's hard to get back up. And sometimes I DON'T WANT TO GET BACK UP. And lately I feel myself having to GET BACK UP AGAIN.

But I am reminded. I AM AN EXPERT IN GETTING BACK UP.

So I will.
And I do.
And I am.

Thank you Lisa Nichols.

Can you sit? In the pit?

Seems like the older I get the more hard times people are facing. I mean really hard times. It's easy to be with someone when things are fabulous....



But can you sit......




In the PIT?

The pit of despair? Divorce? Cancer? Infertility? Aging parents? Sick kids? Alcoholism? Drug abuse? Can you sit with someone while they go through this? Can you sit with yourself while you go through this?


It's tough.

When I was in the PIT. People came to sit with me. Not everyone could do it. One time my PIT was 52 days in the NICU with Landon. People visiting had to endure seeing one pound babies going into constant cardiac arrest. There were tears. There were hands held. There were a thousand prayers said.

Another PIT was at Childrens Hospital for three weeks with Coco. Mystery illness with no end in site. People came. They sat in the pit. They talked me off the ledge. They brought me lunch. They brought me dinner. They cried with me.

The pit is scary because we're sometimes not sure of it's the bottom or we have to GO DEEPER.  Going deeper than we're used to is frightening but enlightening. This is when we REALLY FIND OUT WHO WE ARE.  It's intense. For us and our friends. That's why not everyone can do it.


Please I beg you. If you have a friend who is in the PIT. Go sit with them. Even being there, bearing witness, means everything. Show them they are NOT ALONE.

The PIT may even be grabbing a drink with a friend even though you're tired. Or showing up with a meal. Or meeting for coffee. PITS can be mental and physical after all. 

AND if you're in the PIT you will make it out. There will be light coming in. Just wait for it.

 

I'm going to visit a friend in the PIT Tuesday while she has her second round of chemo. I'm scared. For her, for me, not knowing what to say or do....but I'm going. I have to. Because anyone who's been in the PIT knows. YOU HAVE TO GO. 

BE BRAVE.

Because you are someone's lifeline today.

"When The Bough Breaks"- Post Partum Depression Awareness- help get this film made!

This is such an important issue I wanted to share. This is my friend Tanya's story.

“When The Bough Breaks” Tanya Newbould’s Story

 

When a woman has a child, she is expected to love, cherish, and have joy around that baby.  What a blessing, life is good, right?  What if that’s not the case?  What happens when a woman of a child bearing age has a baby, and doesn’t connect with it?  Or perhaps, wants to harm it, or herself, and has such a depression, and feels so alone, that she feels no one could possibly understand?  Post Partum Depression affects one in seven woman worldwide.  It is devastating to the mom, the family, and it some Post Partum Psychosis cases, to the child.  “When The Bough Breaks”is a documentary that explores all aspects of PPD, and the severities.  This documentary is being created to take an in depth look at the medical, emotional,  and physiological aspects of PPD. 

Tanya Newbould is an actress who suffered PPD after the birth of her daughter.  It was a shock to her as she wanted a child desperately, and was very excited about having a baby.  She had a healthy pregnancy, and child birth.  Within one week, everything shifted, and she began to experience severe depression,  and a disconnect from her child.  She couldn’t leave the house and take the baby for a stroll.  It was too overwhelming.  She felt scared, abandoned, and alone.  Her marriage began to crumble and she sought help.  There was no label placed upon it, only anti-depressants offered by both her OB/GYN, and a Psychologist.  Tanya the read Brooke Shield’s book “Down Came The Rain”, and immediately connected with Brooke’s PPD.  She overcame PPD, but it took five and half months.

Tanya then met Jamielyn Lippman, a film director who was shooting a documentary about actors, and both being mom’s, began to share their experiences.  Jamielyn had not suffered PPD, but both felt it is such a compelling subject that needs to be brought to light.  Jamielyn posted in a few mommy blogs, and the received hundreds of emails from women that were either suffering, or had suffered from PPD.  They began working together, gathering information, and filming these amazing women and their stories.

Today they are a team of three women including Lindsay Gerszt who also had suffered PPD, and is in the footage we shot, and their goal is to raise money to complete this very important project, and by doing so, helping women around the world to realize they are not alone, and there is help.

Please take the time to click the link below, and support “When The Bough Breaks”, so that it can be completed, and help change the lives of the women who suffer from PPD.  We need and appreciate your help.  The more money we raise, the better documentary we make, the more people we can help. 

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/when-the-bough-breaks-a-documentary-about-postpartum-depression/x/6296194


Please help them with this important project!