Real Housewives Of New Jersey- Country Clubbed and Translated Just for Youz

First of all I am from the east coast. While born in Raleigh, I was raised in Scarsdale, New York, so that makes me some what of an authority on New Jersey and the surrounding areas. 
Let me breakdown what happened on this latest installment of the Real Housewives of New Jersey so we can all be on the same page.

The episode begins, where we left off at the Posche fashion show, a very high Klass event at the North Jersey Country Club. Theresa is waiting for Danielle outside in the hallway. Theresa is waiting for her in the hallway, just like the bullies did in school after class got out. To kick her ASS.

Theresa baits Danielle with "I'm the nicest person", you know, so I thought I'd say Hi. (Table flipper, money spender, hot headed Italian princess yes, nice? NO.) Danielle says she doesn't know her to be nice. Here's the rest of my translation.

Theresa: You got me to that point. (This whole thing is your fault bitch so kiss my Italian booty)
Danielle: No Theresa you make your own decisions. (I'm above you, this, and stripping, unless it's for fun)
Theresa: No honey... (Listen bitch)
Danielle: Don't call me honey (Don't call me bitch)
Theresa: I don't want to call you honey, cause you are an old hag, bitch. Is bitch better? ( I was going to call you a prostitution whore but I was being nice. So now I will call you PW for short)
Danielle: That's e-#$%^-nuff. (I may slap you, I'm serious)

That starts a whole bag of drama, where everyone is up in arms and starting to go crazy. Then Theresa says:
Theresa: Don't forget I'm from Patterson. Did you forget? (Listen PW, I am from the wrong side of the tracks and I am un-afraid to physically assault you)
Danielle: I saw the home you lived in before you moved into the mansion. (I don't believe you would really do anything in front of all these people)
Theresa: That's a five million dollar home (Oh really, wanna see?)
Danielle: And it's in foreclosure! (Bring it on BITCH!)

That starts Theresa running after Danielle, calling her a coke whore, being held back by everyone. Please tell me you saw the blonde who is now the star of the show who looked at the camera and said: "This is#$%^ BS!"
I digress.

So Theresa is chasing Danielle through the country club,  and outside where she hides in the bushes. While everyone keeps Theresa away, Theresa Jr (Jacquelines daughter Ashley) yanks her extensions out of her head saying "love and light! Stay in the positive bitch!" I mean you could not write better television.

Danielle goes to her limo to cry and Theresa is still trying to get to her. She even stands in front of the car so she can't leave. Danielle cries to the very two faced Kim G, and Jacqueline orders her daughter to go home. Theresa goes back inside but Jacqueline stands by Danielle's car while she calls the police.

When the police arrive, you see how truly "Patterson" Theresa is. The cops want to talk her about what happened. She says "What? What happened? What report? I didn't do anything, she's the one who's the coke whore not me."

The next morning at the Godfather's house (Caroline Manzo, my favorite person of all time), to tell her what happened. She tells them you gave Danielle just what she wanted. She wanted to be the victim and say you were mean girls and you gave it to her. RIGHT!!!

Later Theresa tells Joe about what happened. Now I see where Gia gets her acting talents from! There was one reason she told Joe the story. Foreplay. Joe loved the story of Theresa trying to attack Danielle, he smiled and loved it all.

Jacqueline later gets a call from Danielle's Energist. Yes people, the ultra zen Danielle, has an energist. Guess the priest gave up on her! The fact that Jacqueline will even take this call makes me like her, she was wondering what the hell this was about! She tells the energist whatever she is doing with Danielle it's not working! LOL. The energist turns the tables and says she's calling about her! She tries to send energy to calm her down through the phone. Jacqueline starts to play a video game on the phone. So damn funny!!!!

Meanwhile Albie is starting a law suit against his law school, Danielle is gonna press charges, and Ashley will be thrown out of the house if she talks to Danielle again. And that's the way we do it in New Jersey. Did you watch?


Maria said...

zomgs...youse is too funny!

Translation: I do not want any of the Real Hosuewives shows since The Aussie and I opted to not have cable, but I can TOTALLY see both versions playing out in my head. Hilarious!

Jillian, Inc said...

haha - too funny and so correct. I love how Danielle can go from mafia to a puddle in 1 second. Sure sign of totaly CRAZY. And if Theresa were smart, she'd scare herself. As it stands now, her dumbness is the only thing that makes her endearing.

Kiki said...

When Jacqueline started playing that game on her iPhone when she was on the phone with the energist....I tried to figure out which game it was so I could order it and play it.....I was bored by the energist as well!

Great synopsis, perfect analysis!!!

Suburban Princess said...

Too funny!
I couldn't understand why Teresa was chasing after Danielle for so long...and thinking it's funny. This episode really showed Teresa's true colours - I actually felt sorry for Danielle - she was minding her own business and not bother anyone and Teresa started it and kept it going. It's sick how much they enjoyed tormenting Danielle.

Julie {Angry Julie Monday} said...

I loved every minute of it. This is my favorite Housewife show. I kinda wrote about it on my blog today. I touched upon the passive aggressive Facebook stuff.

Preppy 101 said...

I seriously want you to be the translator for the show from now on! This is hilarious. I love every epi of this show. No matter the outcome, etc. I love it. xoxo

Preppy Mama said...

Train wreck, I can't turn away! You nailed it, just about the best translation "eva"!! Have a great weekend!

Claire said...

Your breakdown of the show is better than the actual show!

Sherrie said...

Oh hells yeah I watched! Now I am starting to watch the Kardashians. I need a fake reality TV intervention STAT!

pink green & southern said...

Your recap was hilarious! You should start writing for Television without Pity, lol!!!

mommy2davin said...

Love it AND love the show. It's my fav of the housewives shows!

Courtney said...

I can't get enough of the NJ Housewives!

bevy said...

I hate that I have DVRed the entire season so far and have not had the time to watch ONE SECOND!!!

SAS said...

I LOVE that show! I have no idea why I am obsessed with it. I can only think because it is complete opposite of my life! I can't stand Danielle. She is ugly and crazy. I like Jaqueline and think Ashley treats her awful. I think it is really sad that Theresa has filed bankruptcy and still lives like she does. Danielle just honks me off everytime she opens her mouth! THanks for the recap!

Anonymous said...

Read all about the psychological disorders of Bravo's Real Housewives, join in the fun discussions and ultimately decide for yourself.

Maureen said...

I waited to read this until I watched it on my DVR - not sure what I liked better - the show or your review. You're the best.

Bee and Rose said...

You are heeeee~larious! Your breakdown is absolutely fabulous! (and you are so right on!)