I knew it this was coming. The older Landon gets the more the condition of his arm, the nightly exercises and surgery every year start to build, the more I feel the tension grow.
For the most part we lead normal lives. We are not victims here. We are grateful to have this arm....We believe in MAGIC & MIRACLES.
But last week, in the darkness of bedtime, the honest feelings came to the surface, the snuggling was not enough, there were questions and Landon wanted answers.
In general I hate questions what start with why. I don't think "why me?" benefits anyone. Landon however, being 10, has a right to ask. Sometimes I feel so angry he has to deal with all of this. He just wants to be happy and keep it moving like his Mama. So when the tears came I have to admit, they came for me too. It was heartbreaking.
I let him have his feelings and tried to bring the gratitude forward. He wanted the full story, the real story of his birth, so I told him. He listened intently and had more questions. He's heard it before but I went a little DEEPER.
I tried not to DROWN as I did. I kept the faith.
When the questions were done we snuggled. There was nothing else to say.
I have been doing a lot to keep any negativity, and harm from this guy. I have never made him learn to tie his shoes, I cut up his food, I make things easier. I do it for him. Don't get me wrong, he plays piano, writes with his left hand when we feel he was born a righty, and a lot of other things that are hard for him. However I'm starting to realize it's time. Time to push him to be more independent even though it will be painful. Time to be a little more real. We're 10 after all.
Still....Landon believes in Santa, Disneyland, and sleeps with a blankie. He's still my baby. We just need to shift a little. Let the pain in sometimes so it doesn't overwhelm us. So that's what we're gonna do.
And to all the Moms out there, who have a kid with ongoing issues. Whether they're mental, physical, emotional or all of the above... I'm thinking of you. I'm thinking of the daily decisions you make, the doubt you feel, the helplessness. I'm thinking of you're nights with your kids... And I'm sending you love. All my love... And a little MAGIC & MIRACLES.